Thugs, Thieves, Shady millionaires, and Murderers.

As some of you may know, it was the Behind Bars conference today. I had no idea what to expect.

As I sat in the hall, with Ryan one side of me, and Kris on the other, we began to discuss the sorts of people who we would be meeting during the day, and the various natures of their crimes.

As I had walked into college that morning, I was greeted by the sight of two of the largest men I had ever laid eyes on. The sort of large, where you can’t quite tell if its muscle or fat, and you aren’t planning on finding out any time soon. One was about my height, and one about a head shorter. Both were about two of me wide.

We had paid £31 to attend for the day, which seemed at the time, a little steep, but looking back, I would have happily paid triple that amount.
Ryan said that the reason for the cost being so high was that Garry Glitter was going to make an appearance, as a sort of surprise guest, and the two hench strangers were his body guards. Ryan then proceeded to sing us all a rendition of some of Garry's classics, "Do You Wanna Touch Me," and "Leader Of The Gang."
-Don't quit your day job Ryan.-

Finally, the first "Crim" as we had decided to call them, had taken the floor. He was about 6ft 1, wearing a dark suit, with a blue striped shirt. Perfectly ordinary looking.

To get things rolling, he asked us to discuss in groups, what we would do to criminals, and how we would punish them, ect. Another man, this time with greyish hair, and a cream coloured suit and trousers, stuck his head over my shoulder, and asked us (Me, Kris, and Ryan,) about our thoughts. He seemed to like them, and said to me that to "lighten the mood," he would get me to stand up, in front of the audience of about ninety people, not including the rows of staff that lined the far wall, and the two massive skinheads, who must have counted for about 5 people each by themselves.
At this point, I was ready to physically put a bullet through my head.
I had just be told, that I would have to stand up, in front of half the staff, a room full of about ninety strangers, and a bunch of people who had spent some serious time in prison, and tell them all about our ideas of how to deal with criminals. I was shitting myself.

So, I dragged myself up to the front, turned to survey the audience, trying my hardest not to stare at the titans sat at the back of the room, and delivered my ideas.

-I would like to add at this point, that the views I expressed while stood in front of the assembled audience, are not to be taken in any way seriously. As the man in the cream suit had said, it was to "lighten the mood," and apparently to test my metal. The man in the cream suit knew a few things, that I, at the time, did not.-

The man in the dark suit said that, "it had been suggested to me that you should come up and share your ideas..."At this point, I looked across at the man in the cream suit and said, "Yeah... thanks for that..." whilst giving him a feeble thumbs up.

Ordinary looking host: "So... Zach is it? How would you deal with criminals?"

-Deep breath-

Me: "Firstly, I would like to say that this idea is largely thanks to Kris, Ryan, and of course myself. Basically, our methods would mainly deal with white collar crimes. Depending on the nature of the crime, say if someone had stolen something, we would take their hand, and take off most of the layers of skin with a belt sander. That way, they wouldn’t be able to handle anything for a fair amount of time. If they continued to re-offend, then you would then take a finger, and another finger, then all the fingers, then half of their hand, then their whole hand up to the wrist, THEN their arm up to the elbow, THEN their arm up to their shoulder. This way, they wouldn’t be able to commit the crime anymore!"

-It gets worse.-

Ordinary looking host: "So, what would be your method be to re habilitate your criminals?"

Me: "Well, I would make them sit in a corner and think about what they had done."

Ordinary looking host: "Right... ok..."

Me: "And then if they tried to escape prison, we could take their legs! Then we would end up with just a torso with a head!!!"

At this point, the audience was in a mix of people pissing themselves with laughter, and people checking that their limbs were still safely attached to their bodies. As I had feared, the massive one of the massive skinheads at the back piped up with, "You got a lot of balls standing up there and saying those things with us lot sitting here..."
I simply met his stare, and returned it, with a wry smile and a casual salute in his general direction.
The man in the dark suit, also voiced my "bravery," at speaking my mind with those two sat directly within my line of sight.
I simply replied, "Oh, actually I saw those guys as I came into college this morning... I nearly PISSED myself! They are BLOODY MASSIVE aren't they?!"
Thank god everyone laughed.
I was just lucky for me, that the blokes sat at the back weren’t the kind to take offence at a bit of good humour. Needless to say, I’ll still be double locking all my doors tonight.

Later on, I found out which figure committed what crime.

The slightly smaller skinhead, as it turns out, was put into prison under false charges. He served 14 months, despite being innocent. He was later acquitted (set free.) His only criminal offences, was getting into a fight with someone on a rugby pitch, and beating up his ex wife’s boyfriend, after he told his daughter to "shut the fuck up"
The slightly taller skinhead had been part of an ongoing battle with the police ever since the age of 7. As far as he was concerned, it was the police's job to try to catch him, and his job to try to escape.
The man in the cream suit, who had seen me for what I was straight away, and had wanted to see if I really had the bottle to share my ideas with the rest of the class, used to be a multi millionaire. His company turnover was about 50 million a year. As it turns out, he made his millions through... ostrich farming... *shrug.* You don’t ask questions of someone that successful. He claimed that he was innocent of the charges put against him, but I think he was clever enough to make the story sound however he wanted.
So... Judging by the title, there is one person I have left out. The murderer.
There is only one person left, who I have not commented on. The man in the dark suit.
Perhaps the most ordinary of the lot, had committed the most grievous crime of all. Murder.

Looking back, during my short time in front of everyone, I was swindled into talking by a top conman, intimidated by a harmless thug, clashed swords with a lifelong rogue, and stood side by side with a murderer, whilst I jokingly told him about how we should be cutting peoples limbs off and leaving them as torso's.

Even knowing that, I still probably would have gone up there... but my god. No wonder the man in the cream suit was so keen to get me up there. He knew exactly what he was doing, but thankfully so did I. I’ve either got some serious nerve, or I live a charmed life.

Sadly, there was no Gary Glitter.

Ugh... This is gunna be a long one...

Ok. I’m not really in the mood for this, but I have a fair amount to write about, so here goes.

I didn't post yesterday, due to the fact I was bloody shattered, so I’ll try my best to make up for it now. Enjoy =)

My psychology experiment yesterday. Oh my GOD I haven’t had so much fun in an age. The aim of the experiment was to test the tolerance of members of staff, when a student walked into the staff room un-invited, and compare the differences between boys and girls.
Naturally, I had to go first. No real surprises there. I could not be more glad that I did.

I thought that the hardest part would be gaining entrance to the staff room. I assumed, incorrectly, that the door to the staff room would be open, so I could simply slip in without making a lot of noise. As soon as the door slammed behind me, ALL the eyes in the room turned to stare at me.
I made a bee line for the sink, where some dirty coffee mugs lay. Unchallenged by any member of staff, I picked one up, and washed it out, not making eye contact with anyone.
At this point, I realised that I had to make some form of contact with someone. I turned to the man stood next to me, who was probably a PE teacher, or some form of maintenance staff, and asked "S'cuse me, where's the coffee?"
At this point, I assumed I would be found out, and asked to leave immediately. Instead, the man says, "Erm... what kind of coffee do you want?"
Slightly taken aback, I replied, "Um, some decaf would be nice... if you have any."
He then hands me a pot of decaf coffee, and I proceed to make myself a cup of very strong coffee. I was going to need it.
Coffee in hand, I proceeded to sit myself about a foot and a half away from a group of PE staff, all talking to each other about something or rather. I put my mug down, crossed my legs, picked up a magazine from the table, and began to read.
I could see them giving me furtive looks from the periphery of my vision, but I could tell that they didn’t have the balls to confront me.
At this point I was thinking, "how far can I actually take this...?"
I began to scan the room, to test this new thought that had come into my head. The initial fear was over. I was never going to get this chance again, so I was going to make the most of it.
My eyes fell on a table, where about 10 members of staff were seated around a grand looking cake.

There was 1 spare seat at the table.

I swear to you, you couldn’t make this next part up. How I kept a straight face, I will never know. It was just one of those moments where everything went PERFECTLY.

I made a beeline for the spare seat.
I put down my coffee mug.
I go to take my newly acquired seat.

The woman sat to my left, I recognised, as the one of the older members of the English department, who is always making us feel so welcome in our own college. She looked me, dead in the face... paused for a fraction of a second... then slides her chair to the side, as to let me sit properly at the table.

I nearly lost it at this point. I could have pissed myself with laughter and amazement. This woman knew me!! She had physically laid eyes on me before, playing cards, and generally making myself unwelcome, yet, she still allowed me to be seated at the table, where some of my own subject teachers were discussing classes, and other teacher like things. The English teacher, who had moved over to let me be seated properly, then turns to me, and says politely, "Would you like some cake?"
If I thought id nearly lost it before... Jesus Christ. I think the only reason I was able to keep it together, was due to the numb shock that had suddenly washed over me. I had been accepted by, a teacher, whom, on numerous occasions, had told be to "Be quiet," or "Go away."
Still slightly bewildered, I asked "Oh... what kind of cake is it?"
"Well," She replied, "its fruit cake..."
"Oh, no thanks" I said, "I’m not too keen on fruit cake."

Having not been challenged by anyone when acquiring my seat at the table, I decided to try a bit of socialising myself.
Across from me, who I had noticed earlier, sat my law teacher, Lisa. She was young, and fairly strict, but still a good laugh as far as teachers go, and I was about to put one of my favourite teachers completely on the spot. It was completely undeserved on her part, but she was in the line of fire, and I had sat down with all guns blazing.

I stared at her. Directly in the face. There was no way she couldn't notice me.

It was at this point, I wish I had brought a video camera of some sort in with me.
Lisa performed the mother of all double takes, and her look was one of total confusion.

Lisa: "Wha-.... What are you doing here Zach?!"
Me: "Oh... Y'know... Just chillin."
Lisa: "Is... Isn’t there somewhere else you are supposed to be?!"

-At this point, she had lost the plot slightly, as had most of the teachers sat around the table, all with looks of utter confusion plastered across their faces.-

Me: "No... Nope. I don’t think so... Why..? Is there a problem with be being here Lisa?"

-The use of her first name, and the smirk on my face, coupled with the unfaltering gaze I fixed her with, made her immediately turn into a 14 year old girl again, as she began spluttering, and desperately looking around her for some support from her colleagues. One such man, (as I do not know his name, I shall provide a description) who was fairly short, round, with white hair, and a bushy beard to match, came to her aid.-

White-hair-with-beard-to-match: "So... you're a student... working with the college?"
Me: "No... No not really."
White-hair-with-beard-to-match: "So... you're just a student."
Me: "Yup. Pretty much."
White-hair-with-beard-to-match: "So what are you doing here?"
Me: "Oh... Just chillin really. Enjoying some coffee... y'know?"
White-hair-with-beard-to-match: "Well could you take yourself off somewhere else please?"

-The pre recorded response by all the teachers.-

Me: "Oh... Why? Is there a problem?
White-hair-with-beard-to-match: "Well, this is the staff room. For staff."
Me: "Oh... ok then!"

-It was time for me to make my exit.-

Jauntily, I picked up my mug, stood up, under armed my coffee into the sink, which was about a foot away, dropped the mug into the sink, and, with head held high, and chest puffed out, I began to walk out of the staff room.

Me: "Bye everyone, have a nice day! See you in law Lisa!"

Classic.

I honestly thought that I would be asked to leave the second I entered, but to my disbelief, the teachers seemed more scared of me than I was of them!

I managed 3 minutes and 75 seconds exactly, which doesn’t sound like a long time, but believe me. It felt like I was in there for a good half an hour.

I’ll never forget that experience as long as I live... and neither will Lisa =)

I would like to add, that nothing in this story was exaggerated in any way. It was told exactly how it happened. Do not try this at home, as it would probably be no where near as interesting as if you did it at college.

St Georges Cross will BURN in the streets.

Needless to say, England were shocking.
Mum said that she felt sorry for some of the players. I don’t share her sympathy. They get to go home to their big mansions and their big pay cheques and their plastic wives, while I’m left with a bitter taste in my mouth, at another disappointing England saga.
It’s all just a bit shit really.

College tomorow. *sob*
I’m sure that'll be fun. I’m miles behind on everything. I really don’t want to give my parents more reasons to be worried about my current education =\

Went to watch the match with my grandparents though, which was HILAROUS seeing as they are both... a bit mental, and both DISPISE the Germans. Listening to them shout and scream every time the Germans so much as came onto the screen, kinda made it easier to watch... and a whole lot funnier =)

As voiced by many, "Meh, at least we won the war," and I can’t help but feel a little satisfaction about the US going out as well. At least they didn’t get further than us...

At least Capello was a good laugh to watch ^.^
I doubt he will be in the next world cup... Bring on Harry Redknapp?
There is no way he could bankrupt the England team... but if anyone could... he would find a way.

Bare foot wanderings for chineese food.

Today was relatively slow.
I awoke at 1, stayed in bed till 2, then went downstairs and watched star trek with mother =)
Dr Who was, as put by Oli, "Underwhelming."

I ended up leaving the house at 10 at night, to go wandering through Marchwood in search of Chinese food with Tom and Tom (Lewis, and Everal.)
As it was a nice evening, I decided to walk barefoot along the deserted road, kicking a ball back and forth with Tom (Everal,) whilst munching on prawn crackers and battered sausages <3
A typical lazy day, coupled with a typical lazy summers night =)

I also fell in love with this hoodie...




but I couldn't find a site which would ship it to the UK... *sob*

Zombie Apocalypse? Bring it on.

Today was hot. Way too hot. Instead of playing football, I ended up sitting with Shelly, Curtis, and Kris discussing in great detail, how the four of us would deal with the zombie apocalypse. I won’t bore you with all the details... just most of them =P


We would start at college, as that would be one of the main military installations in Southampton (which is where the outbreak started.) Once we formed our group, we would have 15 minutes before the college was completely overrun by flesh hungry zombies. In this time, we would have to sneak passed the all the soldiers and the wounded, into their armoury, which was located in the sports hall, and take all the guns and supplies we would need. We would then have to make our way out of the temporary safe haven of college, and onto the streets.
Our next stop would have to be the train station. Needless to say, the roads would be gridlocked, so driving to the station would be out of the question, (thus eliminating the need for Steph =])
Once at the station, we would have to somehow get a car of some sort onto the tracks, as all the trains in and out of Southampton would have been halted, to help contain the outbreak. Once on the tracks, we would proceed to Portsmouth (eww.) commandeer some sort of boat (probably a ferry, or a speed boat) and proceed to the Isle of Wight, (being the least populated and most isolated area.) We could then kill all zombies, and spare whichever of the survivors didn’t piss us off. From there, we would just wait it out, until the whole thing blew over.

For some reason, in our combined logic, zombies can’t swim. We had better hope they can't... Or our plan is pretty much fucked.

Well, here goes...

Well. I've been meaning to start a blog for... ages. In all honesty, I don’t expect it to be successful, or popular, or even read. It’s more something to keep me just that little bit saner.

I’ll try to keep this as entertaining as possible, and as un-emo as possible. No promises =P
You can probably expect to find a fair few links, to things that amuse me, annoy me, or just make me think.

There is so much that I don’t tell people, because I just never get round to it... Who knows...? Maybe you will be treated to something profound.